This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
