We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize