i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
