Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
