so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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