The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
