I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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