you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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