I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
