it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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