I could make wine with my vomit
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
