I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
