you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
