mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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