just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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