she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize