I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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