life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We had to coat check the pizza.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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