rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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