he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Drake has all the answers
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
