I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
