Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
