here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
