Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize