my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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