He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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