Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
