I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
