You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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