I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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