im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
