I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
