saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
