i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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