Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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