I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
