I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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