This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
