Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
