Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
