Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
