Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
