I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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