sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
