I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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