Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
