My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
