it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
