is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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