she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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