I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She bit a glass in half.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize