Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
