mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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