Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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