Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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