My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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