My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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