Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
