I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
