Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
