My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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